Garbage Head
by Christopher Willard
DEUS EX MACHINA IN THE MACHINE AGE
The refrigerator FamilyTrak™ says, "Carpe Diem, Up and Atom."
The refrigerator FamilyTrak™ says, "YOU will knock them dead today."
The refrigerator FamilyTrak™ says, "Welcome to the new baby!"
Dolores says, "Stupid crisper head."
Mrs. Mayson says, "It's been acting like that for a while. When we get back I really must call the repairman. We'll just have to remember on our own what day it is."
Mrs. Mayson opens the fridge and pulls out the Slicers™ family pack of breakfast meat.
Dolores punches up the day calendar.
Mr. Mayson says, "Turn to Channel 34."
Mrs. Mayson sets the plastic package on the counter and wipes her hand on her pink apron.
The FamilyTrak LiquiScan™ shifts its digital receptivity.
The FamilyTrak LiquiScan™ says, "You're joining Novel Ideas with David Alystrom. The program started 2 minutes and 36 seconds ago. Enjoy."
"Nobody reads those things anymore," Dolores says.
The host of Novel Ideas says, "But Professor Preskey, how exactly do we know when a novel is finished?"
Garbage Head says, "The most obvious sign is when you've reached the last page."
Mrs. Mayson says, "Shouldn't we be listening to traffic and transit just in case? I don't want to miss our flight."
Dolores says, "I could InstaGab Brad and ask him."
Professor Preskey says, "The most obvious sign is when you've reached the last page."
The host and Professor Preskey share a literary laugh.
BEGINNINGS AND ENDINGS
Garbage Head waits for the laughter to end.
Garbage Head says, "This just in: rumor has it Randy Osten's Rolls Royce has pulled up in front of Randy's!, his newest celebrity store. We're not sure if he's in the Rolls at this time but sources tell us he could be."
Mr. Mayson says, "I don't even have that in the paper."
Dolores says, "It's not on my E-Hand either." She pokes her redial, trying to get Brad back on line.
A News To You Right Now! newsbreak interrupts Novel Ideas.
Tiffy, the reporter ditzy enough to work the mid-morning shift sits up straight, squinting at the teleprompter.
Tiffy says in her excited voice, "This just in: rumor has it Randy Osten's Rolls Royce has pulled up in front of Randy's!, his newest celebrity store. We're not sure if he's in the Rolls at this time but sources tell us he could be. We'll have updates as soon as a crew reaches the scene. This is Tiffy with Ion News To You Right Now!"
Mrs. Mayson, who has paused from putting away the breakfast luncheon meat, says, "I think Tiffy needs some new glasses or something."
Mr. Mayson says, "It's all micro-laser-keratotemy these days. Glasses went out a long time ago, Dear."
Mrs. Mayson says, "Well, evidently that's not how Tiffy sees it."
Garbage Head pours himself a second helping of MonsterMush™ and turns the box so he can read the information on the side.
The side of the cereal box says, "Hey kids, remember your parents talking about having X-Ray glasses when they were kids? This is way cooler. Yes, it's the E-Hand Deluxe InstaVideo Peeper™. Spy on friends, family and parents, by satellite hack-linking. Now you can find out what sis' does when she goes on a date. And she won't even know you're watching! Free with 3 MonsterMush™ box tops. Be sure to enclose $159.99 for shipping and handling."
The host of Novel Ideas says, "It's the logical ending to the book. It ends when it should end."
Professor Preskey says, "What you mean is that if the readers approach the text with responsive patterns and preconceptions based on a coherent narrative, shouldn't authors provide empirical sequencing where ending constructs are manifest?"
The host of Novel Ideas chuckles and says, "I have absolutely no idea what--but that's a good note to end on. Professor, thank you."